i want, i need...

i wish for things that i don't need
all i wanted
and what i chase won't set me free
all i wanted

sympathy, the goo goo dolls

each day as i awake and clumsily dismount my bed (i never stick my landing), there's one thing i want and one thing i need....coffee!! at least i am conditioned to think so. funny, i never drank coffee in the morning until i was 27 yrs old. but now, i wonder, at times, how did i live without it? this is not a post about caffeine addiction, so please, just keep reading.

i went to see a friend the other day. it had probably been about 5 years since we had seen each other. he was in prison serving time for a string of bad choices that he now regretted deeply. as i walked down the long bright white corridor, then though a series of locks and doors, my mind was racing. what do i say when i see him? what would i do if i were in here? what would he look like? how awful this place must be. what if there's a riot and i get taken hostage? real and crazy thoughts.

after the last lock buzzed, the heavy thick steel door released with a loud metallic pop. i winced. i walked over to the glass counter and sat down. my friend was sitting on the other side, we reached for our phones a the same time and began a conversation. the last time we had talked was at the church we both attend. this time was very different; a fact not lost on either of us. after some small talk i simply asked, "jeff, what happened" he told me, in not so specific detail, that he had made some horrible choices and he got caught up in chasing the wrong things in life. he was embarassed and he was sorry. yet, he was hopeful about starting anew when he would be released in about 18 months. we talked awhile longer, prayed, said our goodbyes and hung up the phones. he was escorted back to his cell and i was escorted out of the prison, free.

i had been making a pastoral visit, but my friend was the preacher that day. qoheleth...ecclesiastes...the preacher; out of a sober reality, stark and austere, he spoke ancient truth from his present-day circumstances. looking for pleasure, for happiness, he had chased the wind and caught nothing. he spoke experientially and i listened. words meant for cleansing. words of repentance.

i wish for things that i don't need...and what i chase won't set me free

"on, on," is the beck and call each day, but who is speaking to you? me? what are you and i chasing? have our wants, desires, fears and/or lusts taken the reigns of our souls or is the gentle shepherd leading? writer sarah young has written, "the only thing we can grasp without damaging our soul is god's hand." and really, if we are not distracted by our own stuff, it is god who takes hold of our hands (isaiah 41:13). I think the basic posture of a christ-follower is one with hands open, ready to recieve (psalm 90) with our eyes on the master's hands (psalm 123), instead of hands reaching, trying to grab needless things; things that belie freedom and decievingly enslave.

you and i may not be pursuing the kind of things that landed my friend in jail, but we all have the propensity to chase the wind. lord knows, i have and at times, still do, reach for things that will not satisfy and long for things that can end up doing harm. i am needy and prone to be misguided when trusting in my own understanding. so in his lovingkindness, the lord sends qoheleth in my path, the little preachers in my circumstances and situations to sober me and turn my wandering heart toward him. goodness and mercy stalking my path.

it is jesus, his words and way, that set us free in this life and the next. lord, help my hands ever and always to be reaching for you, alone.